The Armchair Politician

Sometimes people on the Internet are just fun. But first, a little backstory to this one. I’m on FaceTheJury, where my AIM screen name is posted. Occasionally, I’ll have someone message me completely out of nowhere four or five months after we talked last. This usually means that I’ve been on their buddy list for a few months, and they have absolutely no clue who I am.

This happened to me last night. She signed off, and about five minutes later I get a completely random message from somebody I’ve never met. I pretty much figured out what was going on right from the bat, but I get great pleasure out of driving people absolutely insane.

(06:50:05) Random_Person02: hey
(06:50:07) Stephen Touset: Hiya
(06:50:14) Random_Person02: was up
(06:50:17) Stephen Touset: not much, you?
(06:50:26) Random_Person02: not alot
(06:50:29) Stephen Touset: Haha, sounds fun.
(06:50:47) Random_Person02: yup
(06:50:53) Stephen Touset: Who is this?
(06:51:01) Random_Person02: some one
(06:51:05) Random_Person02: who this
(06:51:09) Stephen Touset: Someone else!
(06:51:13) Random_Person02: o
(06:51:31) Stephen Touset: Haha
(06:51:44) Random_Person02: so u ant go ing to tell me how this is
(06:51:50) Random_Person02:
(06:51:52) Stephen Touset: Well I don’t know who you are!
(06:52:10) Random_Person02: hannah
(06:52:16) Random_Person02: who this
(06:52:29) Stephen Touset: Stephen.
(06:52:45) Random_Person02: kool
(06:52:46) Stephen Touset: Nice t’meet you.
(06:53:00) Random_Person02: yup back at u
(06:53:05) Stephen Touset: So, er, how’d you get my AIM nick?
(06:53:31) Random_Person02: i do not no it just poped up
(06:53:48) Stephen Touset: Haha, I see.
(06:54:34) Stephen Touset: Does this happen often?
(06:54:46) Random_Person02: no
(06:54:56) Random_Person02: do u have pic
(06:55:07) Stephen Touset: Yeah. You?
(06:55:13) Random_Person02: no
(06:55:29) Random_Person02: sorry:-*
(06:55:44) Random_Person02: asl
(06:55:44) Stephen Touset: Haha, too bad.
(06:55:51) Random_Person02: yup
(06:56:13) Random_Person02: will u send me urs
(06:56:29) Stephen Touset: Hm…why should I?
(06:56:47) Random_Person02: because
(06:56:57) Random_Person02: i dont no
(06:57:00) Stephen Touset: Haha, I see.
(06:57:11) Random_Person02: plz
(06:57:15) Stephen Touset: Why?
(06:57:24) Random_Person02: come on
(06:57:30) Stephen Touset: You had to have gotten my screen name from somewhere, I just want to know where.
(06:57:48) Random_Person02: chat
(06:57:59) Stephen Touset: Huh?
(06:58:27) Random_Person02: my friends friends sister
(06:58:41) Stephen Touset: Haha, how did I come up?
(07:00:59) Random_Person02: idk
(07:01:19) Stephen Touset: Uh huh…
(07:01:26) Random_Person02: sooooo
(07:01:31) Stephen Touset: Yes?
(07:01:37) Random_Person02: pic plz
(07:01:42) Stephen Touset: Maybe later
(07:01:49) Random_Person02: why
(07:01:58) Random_Person02: not now
(07:02:14) Stephen Touset: Because I don’t know you.
(07:02:23) Stephen Touset: And I don’t think you’re telling me everything.
(07:02:47) Random_Person02: what do you want to no about me8-)
(07:03:46) Random_Person02: i no uoy quit ur jod
(07:04:13) Random_Person02: i no you quit ur jod
(07:04:26) Stephen Touset: That I did.
(07:04:37) Stephen Touset: And now I know who you are, and why you want my picture. I’d suspected it, but I didn’t know
(07:04:57) Random_Person02: who am i
(07:05:32) Random_Person02: what do u mean
(07:06:07) Random_Person02: hey
(07:06:14) Random_Person02: are you there
(07:06:29) Stephen Touset: Carina doesn’t remember who I am, so she asked you to find out and tell her.
(07:06:44) Stephen Touset: Because for some reason she couldn’t ask herself.
(07:06:50) Random_Person02: no who carina
(07:07:01) Stephen Touset: ********** (her AIM handle)
(07:07:09) Random_Person02: who that
(07:07:15) Stephen Touset: Ha, please.
(07:07:31) Random_Person02: thank for the s/n
(07:07:41) Stephen Touset: No problem, even though you already knew it.
(07:08:05) Random_Person02: on i do not no who that is
(07:08:12) Random_Person02: is it a boy
(07:08:21) Stephen Touset: Ah, but you somehow know that I quit my job last week!
(07:08:38) Stephen Touset: Which is really funny, because I remember telling that to only one person who I don’t know.
(07:09:10) Random_Person02: i was playing a round
(07:09:17) Stephen Touset: No, you weren’t =P
(07:09:35) Random_Person02: you work at the mail
(07:09:48) Stephen Touset: Nope.
(07:10:01) Random_Person02: wht yes u do
(07:10:14) Stephen Touset: Haha, I have never worked at a mall in my life.
(07:10:35) Random_Person02: i do not no how this is
(07:10:49) Stephen Touset: Bye =P
(07:11:16) Random_Person02: so yu no my sister
(07:11:40) Random_Person02: hey
(07:11:43) Random_Person02: u
(07:11:56) Random_Person02: so do u no my sister
(07:12:16) Random_Person02: wAERZSFGUK]
(07:12:22) Random_Person02: FUCK U
(07:12:32) Stephen Touset: Well that’s polite.
(07:12:55) Random_Person02: SO U DO NO MY SISTER
(07:13:10) Random_Person02: DO U LIKE HER
(07:13:35) Random_Person02: DID YOU GO ON A DATE WHIT HER
(07:13:39) Stephen Touset: TALKING IN ALL CAPS DOES NOT MAKE ME MORE LIKELY TO RESPOND TO YOU, CRAZILY ENOUGH
(07:14:01) Random_Person02: so do u like her
(07:14:12) Random_Person02: hello
(07:14:24) Random_Person02: it not in caps
(07:14:25) Stephen Touset: Hi.
(07:14:32) Random_Person02: hi
(07:14:34) Random_Person02: ok
(07:14:45) Random_Person02: so do u like my sis
(07:15:00) Random_Person02: hello
(07:15:12) Stephen Touset: Why do you want to know?
(07:15:31) Random_Person02: becaues i can tell her
(07:15:45) Random_Person02: and she has a b/f
(07:15:53) Stephen Touset: Ah, so you lied to me earlier!
(07:16:04) Random_Person02: yes
(07:16:07) Random_Person02: so
(07:16:08) Stephen Touset: Why?
(07:16:12) Stephen Touset: I don’t like being lied to.
(07:16:18) Random_Person02: so
(07:16:32) Stephen Touset: So, if you’d just come out and asked me what you wanted to know in the first place, I would have told you.
(07:16:45) Random_Person02: ooooooooooo
(07:16:55) Random_Person02: ant u the good guy
(07:17:02) Random_Person02: ok sooo
(07:17:02) Stephen Touset: I am, actually.
(07:17:07) Random_Person02: ok
(07:17:08) Random_Person02: so
(07:17:15) Stephen Touset: So…?
(07:17:16) Random_Person02: do u
(07:17:25) Random_Person02: do u like her
(07:17:38) Random_Person02: and how old are you
(07:17:47) Stephen Touset: What does it matter?
(07:18:01) Random_Person02: i just want to no
(07:18:08) Stephen Touset: Uh huh.
(07:18:13) Stephen Touset: How old are you?
(07:18:26) Random_Person02: why dos that matter
(07:18:35) Random_Person02: how old are u
(07:18:38) Stephen Touset: It doesn’t. I’m just curious since I don’t know you at all.
(07:18:57) Random_Person02: im her little sis
(07:19:02) Random_Person02: im 13
(07:19:06) Random_Person02: u
(07:19:23) Random_Person02: so do u like her
(07:19:38) Random_Person02: di you go on a date
(07:19:50) Stephen Touset: Does she think I’m an ex boyfriend?
(07:20:18) Random_Person02: wat u want out whit her
(07:20:45) Random_Person02: hello
(07:20:49) Stephen Touset: Hi.
(07:20:53) Random_Person02: so
(07:20:57) Stephen Touset: So?
(07:21:10) Random_Person02: did u go uot whit her
(07:21:17) Random_Person02: out
(07:21:23) Stephen Touset: I might have.
(07:21:34) Random_Person02: well so
(07:21:41) Random_Person02: did u kiss her
(07:21:51) Random_Person02: what did u do
(07:22:01) Random_Person02: where did you go
(07:22:12) Stephen Touset: I didn’t say I did, only that I might have.
(07:22:25) Random_Person02: did u kiss her\
(07:22:37) Stephen Touset: I could have.
(07:22:51) Random_Person02: how old are you
(07:22:56) Stephen Touset: Older than you.
(07:22:59) Random_Person02: 18
(07:23:06) Stephen Touset: Potentially.
(07:23:15) Random_Person02: so ur 17
(07:23:27) Stephen Touset: Could be.
(07:23:30) Random_Person02: going on 18
(07:23:37) Stephen Touset: That might be it.
(07:24:03) Random_Person02: why do u not tell the truth
(07:24:20) Random_Person02: so
(07:24:21) Stephen Touset: I am telling you the truth.
(07:24:30) Random_Person02: no
(07:24:33) Stephen Touset: I am potentially 18, 17, or 17 going on 18.
(07:24:38) Stephen Touset: It’s all possible.
(07:24:49) Random_Person02: what are you
(07:24:59) Random_Person02: 17 1/2
(07:25:18) Random_Person02: sooooooooo
(07:25:32) Stephen Touset: Why don’t you just ask me what you’re really trying to get at?
(07:25:57) Stephen Touset: Because I’m not answering these silly questions.
(07:26:17) Random_Person02: i do not want to speaking to u ever
(07:26:25) Stephen Touset: Ok!
(07:26:32) Stephen Touset: You must be an Indian.
(07:26:39) Random_Person02: im blocking u from carinas/n
(07:26:40) Stephen Touset: If you do not want to speaking to me ever.
(07:26:43) Stephen Touset: Go for it!
(07:26:54) Stephen Touset: See you around
(07:27:03) Random_Person02: on fuck u
(07:27:08) Random_Person02: bicth
(07:27:11) Stephen Touset: Fuck me? You’re too young.
(07:27:46) Random_Person02: get over ur self u are on carina list
(07:28:14) Random_Person02: and im blocking u from her s/n
(07:28:18) Stephen Touset: I am over myself. You, however, don’t seem to be.
(07:28:22) Stephen Touset: You seem to be quite obsessed with me.
(07:28:27) Stephen Touset: Asking all these personal questions.
(07:28:44) Random_Person02: ur gay
(07:28:49) Stephen Touset: No, quite straight.
(07:29:03) Stephen Touset: That’s a pretty potent insult, though. I was almost wounded.
(07:29:18) Random_Person02: go jack off
(07:29:28) Random_Person02: bicth
(07:29:34) Stephen Touset: I’m alright now, actually. But that sounds like a good plan for later.
(07:30:00) Random_Person02: good for
(07:30:14) Stephen Touset: Yes, it’s usually quite good for me!
(07:30:26) Stephen Touset: I heartily recommend it.
(07:31:03) Random_Person02: and on my sister s/n u where speaking to me
(07:31:16) Stephen Touset: Okay.
(07:31:23) Stephen Touset: And?
(07:31:44) Random_Person02: that how i new u quit ur job jack ass
(07:31:50) Stephen Touset: Well no shit!
(07:31:57) Stephen Touset: I think I guessed that one about, oh, half an hour ago.
(07:32:15) Stephen Touset: Remember? Because I distinctly remember pointing that out.
(07:32:22) Stephen Touset: But reminders are always useful. Thank you!
(07:32:37) Random_Person02: bicth
(07:33:23) Random_Person02: that is what i thought
(07:33:33) Stephen Touset: Being neither female, nor a dog, I’m pretty sure you’re going to need to reevaluate that.
(07:33:53) Random_Person02: by
(07:34:08) Stephen Touset: You could try bastard, which might be colloquially accurate, but as far as I know I’m quite aware of who my real father is.
(07:34:30) Random_Person02: go fuck ur self
(07:34:39) Random_Person02: no by by
(07:35:02) Stephen Touset: Weren’t you going to block me?
(07:35:05) Stephen Touset: Like fifteen minutes ago?
(07:35:30) Random_Person02: dos it mater
(07:35:52) Random_Person02: just dont speak to me
(07:35:58) Random_Person02: ok
(07:36:20) Random_Person02: hello
(07:36:33) Stephen Touset: I was not speaking to you. Isn’t that what you asked me to do?
(07:37:19) Random_Person02: ok by im going to log off for u cant speakto carina
(07:37:55) Random_Person02: becaues im going to block you
(07:38:19) Stephen Touset: You said that fifteen minutes ago. I don’t believe you.
(07:39:16) Random_Person02: do u want me to tell carina some thing for you seen u want ever speak to her a gine
(07:39:35) Stephen Touset: Can you rephrase that in English, please?
(07:40:27) Random_Person02: im blocking u do u want me to tell her anything
(07:40:37) Stephen Touset: Tell her that her sister is a douche.
(07:40:38) Random_Person02: from her s/n
(07:40:49) Stephen Touset: A spring-scented douche.
(07:41:04) Stephen Touset: Which, as my friend has told me, can be found at Publix.
(07:41:27) Random_Person02: what
(07:45:16) Random_Person02: i block u there and im blocking u here
(07:45:30) Stephen Touset: You’re certainly taking your sweet time.
(07:45:37) Stephen Touset: I really don’t think it takes half an hour to block someone.
(07:45:58) Random_Person02: u dont shut up
(07:46:02) Random_Person02: that why
(07:46:16) Stephen Touset: That’s certainly true. I never shut up, especially when I’m having fun tormenting someone.
(07:46:54) Random_Person02: u are a meany butt
(07:47:11) Random_Person02: now i am going to block you
(07:47:14) Stephen Touset: Damn, girl. That hurts.
(07:47:30) Random_Person02: go fuck a dog
(07:47:55) Random_Person02: dos that seem fun
(07:48:01) Stephen Touset: Not as much as jerking off.
(07:48:26) Random_Person02: how about going and do ing that
(07:48:29) Random_Person02: ok
(07:48:59) Random_Person02: and how can u do that at ur mom houes
(07:49:08) Stephen Touset: What the fuck is a houes?
(07:49:45) Random_Person02: how can you do that at home
(07:50:10) Random_Person02: when ur mo m and dad is there
(07:50:24) Random_Person02: hello
(07:51:13) Random_Person02: u have been speaking to me for the lasy 51 min u must be very bored
(07:51:39) Random_Person02: hello
(07:51:47) Random_Person02: are u there
(07:51:56) Random_Person02: by now
(07:52:16) Random_Person02: soooooooooooooooooooooo
(07:52:29) Stephen Touset: Sorry, I was busy doing something.
(07:52:47) Random_Person02: what jacking off
(07:53:15) Random_Person02: lol
(07:53:24) Random_Person02: not
(07:53:29) Random_Person02: hello
(07:53:31) Stephen Touset: No, I told you I was going to do that later.
(07:53:41) Random_Person02: ooooooooo
(07:53:46) Random_Person02: im sorry
(07:53:51) Random_Person02: later
(07:54:08) Random_Person02: by
(07:54:59) Random_Person02: there is no one to speak to
(07:55:19) Stephen Touset: Weren’t you going to block me?
(07:55:31) Random_Person02: what are u doing
(07:56:10) Random_Person02: hello
(07:56:14) Stephen Touset: Writing an entry in my weblog.
(07:56:41) Random_Person02: ok may be u are gay
(07:57:14) Random_Person02: are you
(07:57:59) Random_Person02: by
(07:58:22) Stephen Touset: By the way.
(07:58:27) Stephen Touset: You might not know this, but it’s “bye”.
(07:58:30) Stephen Touset: Not by.
(07:58:36) Stephen Touset: http://www.dictionary.com/
(07:58:53) Random_Person02: o im sorry bye
(07:58:56) Stephen Touset: Bye!
(07:59:00) Random_Person02: ass
(07:59:45) Random_Person02: it can be said that way
(07:59:52) Stephen Touset: No. No, it can’t.
(08:00:02) Random_Person02: and my said hi
(08:00:25) Random_Person02: and my mom said ih
(08:00:40) Stephen Touset: Tell her I said her daughter is a spring-scented douche
(08:00:45) Stephen Touset: You know, the kind you can get at Publix.
(08:01:11) Random_Person02: she said ok
(08:01:14) Stephen Touset: No she didn’t.
(08:01:31) Random_Person02: yes she did
(08:01:46) Stephen Touset: I would have a hard time believing that even if it wasn’t already proven that you’re a liar.
(08:02:38) Random_Person02: ok what ever
(08:02:38) Random_Person02: and she said by
(08:02:38) Random_Person02: ok
(08:02:38) Random_Person02: hello
(08:02:38) Random_Person02: bye
(08:02:38) Random_Person02: u
(08:01:46) Stephen Touset: You say goodbye more than any person I’ve ever met. Do you have issues with abandonment?