The Armchair Politician

I like Saved by the Bell. I feel that it and its derivative works (excluding The New Class, which is impressive in that it didn’t let the fact that it was a festering pile of ass stop it from airing for something like eight years) are collectively the pinnacle of all human achievement.

Yesterday morning, I turned on my TV to discover that The College Years was on. To my delight, they played six episodes! However, it got me thinking: not a single person on the entire cast ever ended up actually amounting to anything.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) eventually wound up playing one of the two main characters on NYPD Blue. As far as I can tell, this is the only thing any of them has ever accomplished, which is sad.

Mario López (AC Slater) found himself as a cohost on some talkshow which, after watching one or two episodes, appears to have been targetted towards closet gays. Imagine a show like The View, but hosted by borderline homosexual men. Yeah. Moving on…

Dustin Diamond (Screech), according to himself, did not actually die in a pool of his own vomit after overdosing on crack cocaine. Considering the fact that he hasn’t really had work outside of the numerous Saved by the Bell spinoffs and performing as a lackluster standup comedian, I’m betting it’ll still happen in another year or two.

Sadly, Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) hasn’t done much either, despite being exceedingly hot. Apparently, the only other person to recognize this seems to have been Woody Allen. In addition to a few thousand cameos on obscure sitcoms, she was actually on 90210 for a few seasons as a bit character.

Moving on, Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano) showed everyone her boobs in Showgirls, to which most people responded, “That’s nice. Go away.” Afterwards, she appeared in many cinematic masterpieces, such as The Curse of the Jade Scorpion and Rodger Dodger. It’s more than likely that she’ll die the same way Dustin Diamond does.

Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle) disappeared mysteriously immediately after the show ended. Nobody has seen her since, other than in a few crappy miniseries, which I can only assume appeared on UPN as nobody seems to have seen them.

I have nothing against Dennis Haskins (Richard Belding). He seemed like he would be a nice guy in person. It’s unfortunate, but he basically suffered the same fate as the rest of them.

So, that’s my rant. It was a great show, but sadly none of the actors ever ended up doing anything substantial; most of them faded into obscurity about a week before the series ended. Pity, eh?

Also, I made myself pecan pancakes this morning and am exceedingly proud of myself. Just thought I should mention that.